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Cousin Jack
Senior Member
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Posted: Mon Oct 6th, 2008 05:07 am | 1st Post |
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Enough?
Red and I tried to visit my mother the other day. She has Alzheimer's and lives in the strange, half-light of a special-care ward. Sometimes she knows us, and sometimes not, and sometimes it's hard to tell. But she always loves the caramel milkshakes we bring her; and, she seems comfortable enough, this poor, wizened shadow of a woman who endured two abusive marriages and worked like a demon for slave's wages to raise two virtually fatherless children -- and who, after they were grown and gone, started her own travel agency and therefore was able to travel the world. Budapest, London, Paris, Copenhagen, Munich, Hong Kong.... the great boulevards of the world have passed under her small footsteps. She has crossed oceans and continents and borders. In some ways, she was brave, my mother, very brave. Now, her whole world is the caramel milkshake we bring her three times weekly.
With her that night across the dining table was a strange, terrible-appearing old woman with sightless eyes and a gaping mouth. She startled me when suddenly she shouted:
"Am I done eating?"
Again, after several seconds:
"Am I done eating?"
And so on, for several very uncomfortable moments, as regular as a metronome...
"Am I done eating?"
Finally, a nurse came hurrying in, sat down beside her and gently took the old woman's hand. She saw me staring and smiled gently.
"Poor old dear. She's blind and deaf, and can't remember who she is or why she's here.... she's in her own special little hell, this one."
As my mind slowly grasped the terrible extent of that hell, the awfulness of it, the loneliness of it, the whole goddamned tragedy of it, my eyes flooded with tears. And I know I could easily live with myself if I had only the courage to take my pocket revolver and fire a benevolent .38 special bullet square into her tortured old forehead. But I don't have the courage. Never did. Playing God is not for cowards.....
My wife asked me what was the matter.
"What could this lady have done," I asked Red. "To have deserved such a fate, to have to suffer so......"
Red said nothing, just kneaded the knuckles of my shaking hand.
"Please, God, " I muttered. "Not us, please....!"
Later, I ripped off the cover of the bike and went out and flogged the Yakima River Canyon highway, almost daring the county police to find and stop me, taking the sweepers fully fifteen miles per hour faster than usual. As the sweet and cold desert wind shuddered against my face shield, I asked myself in the helmet's roar: Have you done this enough; have your skiis bit into enough snow; have you felt your lover's creamy skin enough; have you rested in the warmth of her eyes enough; have you caused enough smiles in those you love... and even in those you don't; have you made enough children laugh; have you written sentences vibrant enough to connect with people you'll never meet or see; have you just, flat, freaking, done enough? But the roar never answered back......
"Please, God... Not me, please..... Not until I've done enough, please.....!
____________________
Anybody can ride a motorcycle when the sun shines....
Those with arms are citizens; those without are subjects.
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AZgl1500
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Posted: Mon Oct 6th, 2008 05:15 am | 2nd Post |
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CJ,
Sometimes you just have to let it go.
You cannot fix the world and I cannot fix the world.
I have lost a brother and a sister to suicide. Where did I fail them? What could I have done that would have changed their paths?
I worried with that for a long time. Decades until finally I went to see a very good psychiatrist. And the message he had for me was what I just told you.
Let it go. You can't fix the world.
____________________
John
 
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mikef
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Posted: Mon Oct 6th, 2008 05:19 am | 3rd Post |
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Not bad, CJ. Funny thing. The older you get, the more you think about your own mortality. And have you done enough.................
____________________
Mike
93 Aspy
http://goldwingtech.info
Buy & Sell your stuff: http://RudysBackyard.com/
http://glhelpers.com/members/
http://www.northamericangoldwings.com/
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Cousin Jack
Senior Member
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Posted: Mon Oct 6th, 2008 05:24 am | 4th Post |
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| Thanks, AZ and Mike.... means a lot, coming from you two....
____________________
Anybody can ride a motorcycle when the sun shines....
Those with arms are citizens; those without are subjects.
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MDKramer
Moderator
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Posted: Mon Oct 6th, 2008 05:41 am | 5th Post |
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How bad is it when a trained counselor is at a loss for words because he's wrestling with the very same questions himself?
Mike
____________________
Mike Kramer
Proudly supporting Viet Nam Vets and Legacy Vets M/C
Red is for the blood shed Black is for the mourning
Been riding that 1980 beauty to the left since 1989
Helpful Hint: Traffic lights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70, 105, and 140!
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96aspencade
Senior Member
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Posted: Mon Oct 6th, 2008 01:07 pm | 6th Post |
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Sorry to hear about your mum CJ, life seems unfair & cruel at times, but if it makes us realize that we need to put more effort into enriching our own life & the lives we touch we are seeing the good side of life & others will benefit. Best wishes for you & Red and your mother.
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GWRRA # 155014
' ?? Suzuki 80 (Gone)
'70? KE-125 (Gone)
'83 Shadow 500 (Gone)
'85 Apsencade GL1200 (Gone)
'96 GL 1500 SE (Present)
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nobbie
Very Active Member
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Posted: Mon Oct 6th, 2008 01:33 pm | 7th Post |
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CJ, Your mother may not remember that you visited her but your family and friends will. More importantly, you will.
It's tough. I don't need to tell you more.
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lostinflorida
Senior Member
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Posted: Mon Oct 6th, 2008 02:02 pm | 8th Post |
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My heart aches for you Jack.
I wish I knew if this curse has been with humanity forever or it's just our punishment for being able to live so well now.
Rejoice in the fact that your mother was able to enjoy herself in her other life. And know that when he's ready, God will let her rest and remember every minute of that life.
I'll say a silent prayer for you, your mom and Red.
____________________
PGR member
IBA member #32000
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redbaron
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Posted: Mon Oct 6th, 2008 02:36 pm | 9th Post |
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My mother God rest her soul went through the same thing....And I know your pain...We watched as she went from a loving and caring mother into a person that we no longer knew....I have, I guess you could say, the fortune or misfortune of strongly favoring my father, although I'm quite a bit heavier that my father. So in her lucid moments she would think I was my father, whom had passed away, several years before she "lost contact" with this world.....She would talk to me about their early lives and of the struggles they had...Stories that we had been told as children.....
As the years progressed she became more that my two brothers, she lived with could handle...Finally after too many nights of her slipping out and packing her a small bag, and getting in my brothers truck, wanting to go visit with her Father and brothers, most of whom have been gone for over 20 years...We as a family decided that we could no longer take the risk that she might just walk off into the night and get lost in the woods were my brother lived, that a nursing home would be the best place for her...It was a decision that we at times regretted, but at least she was safe....
The next few years , even with visits from all of us, she slowly slipped into a comatose state, not before she fell out of bed and broke her leg, from there she never really was part of this world....In the end she was being feed through a tube and had no idea that we were even in her room.....She left us 7 years ago but we have the wonderful memories of her, being her wonderful self, memories of her many gardens and her wonderful home cooked meals that nourished us into adulthood....And of the love that she shared with all 7 of us, and our father....And we all know that we are better for have being her "children"
Did we do enough ????..... Only God know the answer to that and when we reach our finally destiny only then will we know.....Till then we can only try to think of the fond memories that we have shared with them....and spend a few quality moments with them......
Like I said I know your pain and all I can do is offer prayers to you and your mother.
Claude.....
____________________
1982 GL-1100 Goldwing Interstate
http://www.RudysBackyard.com
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AZgl1500
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Posted: Mon Oct 6th, 2008 03:24 pm | 10th Post |
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CJ,
My first post was a bit terse and was actually related to the other person in the room with your mother.
My mom is at 90, very alert and "with it". However, she is having issues with a broken hip which has left her "not walking" simply because she wouldn't do the rehab.
About 7 years ago, she became more to handle than I could deal with having her in my home. Her care was just more than I could provide. Her doctor told me that I was going to kill myself if I did not find a good 24 hour care home for her. I was lucky, and she now has a wonderful place to stay. I visit her weekly and try to call every day or two (I had a telephone installed in her room).
Still, I wonder if I could do more for her, but I'm now 65 myself and still working full time. I can't be with her 24/7 like she needs. So, I did the best I could and have to go on.
The other issue going on here is we have my wife's father with us. He has Alzheimer's which is not a fun thing to watch. We can almost make update notes on a calendar with the little things we notice as he gets a bit worse.
We wonder what we can do to help him. Research says not much other than to keep him safe and provided for. I have replaced all of the door locks in the house with double sided key locking dead bolts. That to keep him from getting in the car and "going home", where ever that might be.
We bought some room motion detectors from Radio Shack. Place them at the bottom of the stairs, the front door, etc... Move them as needed so that if we fall asleep and he moves around, we hear an alarm if he gets some where he shouldn't be.
It is a trial, but my wife is not ready to "lock him up" just yet. She says that as long as she can communicate with him, and get him to talk about family, she is going to keep him at home.
But, when it is obvious that he does not know who we are, or who he is, then the family has to make a choice.
When have you done enough? That is a hard question, and all you can do, is do the best you can.
____________________
John
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slodeth
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Posted: Mon Oct 6th, 2008 04:46 pm | 11th Post |
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I wasted 36 years of my life not doing enough. I started serving the Lord and from that point on he made all of my inadequacies "enough". No we can't fix the world but we can be of something much greater than any one or anything in this world. I invite every one who will to join me. He is the way, he is the truth and he is the light. This is coming from a man with a first hand experience, not a man with just a theory.
My heart and prayers go out to all of you who suffer.
Blessings to you all and may you find yourselves in the company of Gods spirit and in his comfort.
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Love your creator with all your heart mind and strength. http://foggyhollowmusic.com
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MDKramer
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Posted: Mon Oct 6th, 2008 05:23 pm | 12th Post |
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You know CJ, I finally thought of something intelligent to say here.
Perhaps on your next visit, 2 caramel milk shakes might be in order?
Just a thought.
Mike
____________________
Mike Kramer
Proudly supporting Viet Nam Vets and Legacy Vets M/C
Red is for the blood shed Black is for the mourning
Been riding that 1980 beauty to the left since 1989
Helpful Hint: Traffic lights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70, 105, and 140!
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Rabbit
Forum Greeter
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Posted: Mon Oct 6th, 2008 06:35 pm | 13th Post |
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CJ my dad died with Alzheimer's, my mother is 92 and lives with me and Pearlwing. To have a good woman to help us through the hard times, well I can't put into words what I think. We are never alone in what we do.
Take care
Jim & Louise
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Riding Motorcycles For 50 years 1998 Goldwing SE
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fysty-1
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Posted: Tue Oct 7th, 2008 05:58 am | 14th Post |
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Cuz, I have experience what you have as well but I look @ it this way. I look back into my genealogy, to see if we have ANY one with Alzheimer's. A freind of mine who's father & g/f had it and his response is " why worry about it as I won't know when it happens any way." It is sad to see this kind of thing but there is nothing we can do about it.
____________________
Angela "fysty-1" Dodds
White Rock, B.C.
"Baby Blue" 1985 Gold Wing GL1200 Interstate Hybrid
"Blue may not be the fastest but it is the Prettiest"
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cbltech59
Very Active Member
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Posted: Tue Oct 7th, 2008 08:41 am | 15th Post |
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nobbie wrote: CJ, Your mother may not remember that you visited her but your family and friends will. More importantly, you will.
It's tough. I don't need to tell you more.
my thoughts exactly, you can never do enough, no one can, but you can do your best and as my grandfather said, if you leave this world knowing you've done your best then theres a better place waiting for you.
My thoughts are with you and Red CJ.
____________________
Mark
'96 Electric Blue GL1500 SE
'82 CB 750 FA(sick puppy)
RBLR Area Rep for RoI
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fysty-1
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Posted: Wed Oct 8th, 2008 07:30 pm | 16th Post |
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cbltech59 wrote: nobbie wrote: CJ, Your mother may not remember that you visited her but your family and friends will. More importantly, you will.
It's tough. I don't need to tell you more.
my thoughts exactly, you can never do enough, no one can, but you can do your best and as my grandfather said, if you leave this world knowing you've done your best then theres a better place waiting for you.
My thoughts are with you and Red CJ.
Mark. That is so true and beautifully said. I may noy have been able too to put it into words, but that is how I live my life.
____________________
Angela "fysty-1" Dodds
White Rock, B.C.
"Baby Blue" 1985 Gold Wing GL1200 Interstate Hybrid
"Blue may not be the fastest but it is the Prettiest"
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TXRLGL1500
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Posted: Thu Oct 9th, 2008 01:48 am | 17th Post |
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CJ:
My wife lost her sister to Dementia, the last time she saw her she did not know her.
At least they did visit and share pictures. Her sister did indicate to my wife she felt
like she should know her but did not. In her final years she had lost most of any
short term memory but still had most of her long term memory.
Explanation, before she lost recognition of my wife(us) we could visit her and her husband for an entire afternoon and according to caregivers she would not know we had been there within an hour of leaving. But she would at least remember us and her earlier life's experiences. She was married to a brilliant pediatrian and he himself suffered from a stroke that took his speech. Only occasionally was he able to put more than a few words together to form a sentence.
It was very sad to watch. One could not remember and the other could not communicate. They both passed away about a year apart.
If you ever get the chance to see the movie "The Notebook" rent it and be sure both you and Red watch it. James Garner plays a husband that has a wife whom has forgotten him. Its a great story along the lines above and will leave a lump in your throat.
You said a lot about your mom in the beginning of your post. She had to have been a very strong and determined woman. Sounds like her life later on was filled with some
travel that few will ever duplicate.
Take her two carmel malts/milkshakes and send me the recipe.
Thanks for the post.
David
Last edited on Thu Oct 9th, 2008 01:50 am by TXRLGL1500
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MDKramer
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Posted: Thu Oct 9th, 2008 04:09 am | 18th Post |
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You know CJ, after some discussion with Gina about this post, not only do I suggest the 2nd milkshake for your mother's dinner partner, but we have a suggestion for you as well.
If you haven't already read it, look up a book by Linda Combs Ed.D. called A Long Goodbye And Beyond: Coping With Alzheimers
We think you'll find alot of inspiration and help with your personal struggles within the pages.
MikeLast edited on Thu Oct 9th, 2008 04:11 am by MDKramer
____________________
Mike Kramer
Proudly supporting Viet Nam Vets and Legacy Vets M/C
Red is for the blood shed Black is for the mourning
Been riding that 1980 beauty to the left since 1989
Helpful Hint: Traffic lights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70, 105, and 140!
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Cousin Jack
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Posted: Thu Oct 9th, 2008 01:21 pm | 19th Post |
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TXRL and MD.....
Thanks guys, we've come to terms with my mom's disease, she is not uncomfortable and seems not unhappy (best way to describe it), and the mourning is all done. What I was reacting to was the poor lady in her ward - blind and nearly deaf and unable to comprehend why or where she was. Unspeakable horror, that....at least in my mind.
The rest of the piece dealt with something more subtle. Wyatt Earp, the American Legend, was once asked why he had travelled the west so much..... He replied, "I was always a man with a restless heart....." Restless Heart. Most motorcyclists are like that: hungry for experience, fullfilment, excitement... whatever. They seem to want to wring everything they can from life, everything. Most of the motorcyclists in my life are never still: they ski, they climb, they hike, they travel, they fly planes and gliders, they sky dive... constantly in motion, they never seem to "do enough," which was the point of the piece. Being of a "restless heart" myself, I am always conscious of the ticking of the clock.... and thus I would rather ride than sit, rather twist the throttle to see what's around the bend rather than to sit still and smell the roses. My wife has another perspective; she calls me her poster boy for the Attention Deficit Disorder syndrome! 
Thanks again, guys..... oh, and for the caramel milkshake, take a plain vanilla one and stir in some caramel ice-cream syrup!
____________________
Anybody can ride a motorcycle when the sun shines....
Those with arms are citizens; those without are subjects.
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TXRLGL1500
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Posted: Thu Oct 9th, 2008 02:02 pm | 20th Post |
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CJ:
Yummie I will do that!!! Funny mentioning Wyatt Earp, my Dad
served in WWII with a grandson of his. Stayed in contact with
him until he passed (my dad) away.
Thanks
David
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