| Author | Post |
|---|
dedgar
Member
back to top
|
Posted: Wed Sep 3rd, 2008 06:44 pm | 1st Post |
|
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity da rting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this lit tle device measuring about 5 inches long, less than 3/4 inch in diameter; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.
I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. . .WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you z ap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
'If you think education is difficult, try being stupid.'
____________________
N7VRZ
|
redbaron
Moderator
back to top
|
Posted: Wed Sep 3rd, 2008 06:58 pm | 2nd Post |
|
OH GOD !!!!! .......I read this post and tears are steaming down my face even now......My sides hurt from laughing so hard ....I needed this laugh.....
Thank you ....
Claude....
____________________
1982 GL-1100 Goldwing Interstate
http://www.RudysBackyard.com
|
TNroadrider
Very Active Member
back to top
|
Posted: Wed Sep 3rd, 2008 08:51 pm | 3rd Post |
|
Good one I can see it now!
____________________
TNroadrider
|
redbaron
Moderator
back to top
|
Posted: Wed Sep 3rd, 2008 09:15 pm | 4th Post |
|
SEE IT ???? No Way Jose.....I would lose control of what few body functions I still can control a little, and besides I don't think Medicare will cover hospital visit from "Losing Control"....... ....
Claude....
____________________
1982 GL-1100 Goldwing Interstate
http://www.RudysBackyard.com
|
TNroadrider
Very Active Member
back to top
|
Posted: Wed Sep 3rd, 2008 09:32 pm | 5th Post |
|
Hey Claude, just think of all the good meds you'd get when a dr tried to diagnose all those symptoms the taser created, could be mellow and happy for awhile
Good thing they didn't have these when I was younger could have really had some fun with some drunk college buddies, Here hold my beer and watch this!
____________________
TNroadrider
|
wingnut junior
Games Guru
back to top
|
Posted: Wed Sep 3rd, 2008 11:43 pm | 6th Post |
|
| Ah this is great! One of my dads friends in work had them, we call them stun guns and they are illegal to have. I was there the day they were all testing them on one another in work (you don't really think I was goin to miss that fun now ) and dad took about 2 seconds to the leg without dropping, someone else took about 3 seconds. Most of the lads just dropped or jumped away at first contact. I got to zap one of the signmakers and he bit his tongue. It was great fun, but then someone ruined it by zapping the horse that pulls the carriage and it was still attached to the carriage with the old guy driving it. The horse took off with the carriage and damaged some cars and that ended the fun. Last edited on Wed Sep 3rd, 2008 11:43 pm by wingnut junior
____________________
Dylan Saunders, aka the Dillster.
|
redbaron
Moderator
back to top
|
Posted: Thu Sep 4th, 2008 12:33 am | 7th Post |
|
OK...I can see where hitting that horse with a stun gun might do that, but what I want to know is.....how long did it take for the streets to become vacant????? .....
Claude.....
____________________
1982 GL-1100 Goldwing Interstate
http://www.RudysBackyard.com
|
lostinflorida
Senior Member
back to top
|
Posted: Thu Sep 4th, 2008 12:58 am | 8th Post |
|
Big thing around here used to be getting after your friend with a cattle prod.
I've seen a couple really good A** wuppin's come about from it.
Some of my friends used to carry a shorten version of it around when they went hog hunting with their dogs.
Some of the catch crazy dogs just wouldn't turn loose with out using the thing on them.
____________________
PGR member
IBA member #32000
|
Foodman
Very Active Member
back to top
|
Posted: Thu Sep 4th, 2008 06:11 am | 9th Post |
|
| Next time, if there is, take one battery out first...........
____________________
Back to riding after a 30 yr lay off.. Started with a 86 Magna 750 on to a 02 Shadow 1100,99 Magna 750,91 ST1100, finaly a 93 Wing.. Loven Life...
|
dedgar
Member
back to top
|
Posted: Thu Sep 4th, 2008 06:55 pm | 10th Post |
|
 Foodman wrote: Next time, if there is, take one battery out first...........
____________________
N7VRZ
|
Current time is 02:51 am
| |
|
|
|
