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I know some of you may have received a very extended version of this via e-mail at some point in time. That happens when a father e-mails his writings to a friend who also has a daughter, and that friend sends it to all of his friends and people add to it.

This version, however, is typed directly from the hand written copy that used to hang on my 'fridge when my little girl was just beginning her dating era. I was cleaning out a desk drawer a couple days ago because my internet was down and I had nothing better to do, and I found this buried in an old file folder.

This is EXACTLY how I wrote it when I wrote it back in the early 90's.

[align=center] 10 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter
[/align]
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing some form of "barrier method" could kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier method, and I WILL KILL YOU!

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make my little girl cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you wish to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like memorizing these rules, or changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a Smith and Wesson 4506, a shovel, and five acres of land out back. Do not trifle with me, nobody will miss you.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in low over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
 

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I could have used that about 30 years ago.
 

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I once told my daughters 18yr old wanna be boyfriend "Son, you don't have a chance with my daughter. She was born when I was 17. I know dam well what's on your mind.I will tell you point blank there is nothing that you will do to her in private that I won't do in public. Up to but certainly not limited to kissing you on the lips....... In front of ALL your friends" Everything from that point was yes sir and no sir
 

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Had a friend that told his daughter's date as they left the house. "REMEMBER, SEX MAKES BABIES" She eventually in herearly twenties started dating a Pastor in our town. He got the same sendoff:cool::cool:



Talking to my son in law, he remembers the first time he met me. 'Came in the house, I was relaxing in gym shorts, no shirt, gut hanging out and unshaven. Made an impression:D:D
 

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Only one I have had to try and educate so far was the one that suggested to me that he was going to purchase an R6, when he eventually got his licence back, which he had lost during some minor altrication with the law at the age of 15, one year before he was entitled to one.

Did'nt see him again...
 

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Man how that brings back memories. Back in the day I was kind of wild I guess, rode a BSA chopper did a lot of hell raising but worked everyday in the coal mines. I told my daughter when she was around 12 there will be no talk of boys until you are 16 no dating period. Well the day she turned 16 when I got home from work she came up to me and said hey Dad guess what today is I knew just what she meant not just her birthday but the day she could finally start dating. I said yes baby I know and do you remember the talk we had about 4 years ago she said yes and I told her some of the very things listed above and then told her Now my talk will be with the boys. And yes I put the word out we lived in a small community and I knew everyone but better all the boys knew me. Believe it or not I really didn't have any problems. She was a good girl gave me no problems at all thank God. Got married at 20 waited 5 year to have her first child. Only problem she ended up marrying a *******. But that another book as this one is too long already.
 

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The night I met my son-in-law was a hoot. This took place about a year after the daughter had moved out on her own.

My daughter invited the wife and I out to dinner to meet her Beau, and told us that she had some news to give us.

I need to point out at this point that at this time in my life, I had one of those jobs where long hair was a no-no, so my hair was respectably short, as was my goatee...No visible intimidation factor beyond my sheer size to be had.

As we're sitting there eating, and talking, I notice that her boyfriend is really kind of a strange individual. He can't seem to keep a good grip on things like the salt shaker, his eating utensils, etc... And he can't string more than 1 complete sentence together at a time.

The news our little girl had to share was that her and this kid who I honestly thought might be retarded with just a touch of palsy were going to be married, and that we were going to be grandparents in about 7 months, and this kid was the sperm donor who wanted more than anything to step up to the plate and be a father.

At the beginning of this announcement, I noticed that her beau turned about as white as a paper napkin, and looked so tense that if a fly landed on him, he'd shatter.

Of course, congratulations were extended, and dad's words of wisdom when it comes to taking care of his little girl were gently laid out because it was obvious to me that if I laid it out any stronger, the kid would wet his pants and cry, all responded to with an immediate, and somewhat over-enthusiastic "Yes sir! Absolutely Sir!", and we finished dinner.

As we're leaving the restaurant, I'm walking between my wife and my daughter, and her beau is walking about 6 paces to my daughter's right. It suddenly occurs to me exactly why this kid is acting so strange. My daughter has warned him that if I didn't like him, I'd kill him on the spot.

So as we're walking down the aisle in the parking lot, I put my arm around my daughter's shoulders (Easy to do, she's only 5'2") and say loudly enough for the kid to hear "Pun'kin, I know you've been waiting for this all evening, so you'll be happy to know...He can live"

I thought we were going to have to pick the boy up off the ground. :)
 

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The VERY best time to clean and dust your gun cabinet and gunsis just before your daughter's date arrives to pick her up. Trust me, he'll never forget it and you'll gain a respectible reputation that'll be heard all over the high school campus. No one messed with my daughters...ever! Plus, I got a great laugh out of it at the expense of young male scum.

Now they're married with kids. Wish I could figure out how to get my bluff in on those boys! :fighting:

DeDub...
 

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In a way, I'm glad I never had a daughter. I've got 3 sons and always wished for a daughter but it just wasn't meant to be I guess.

Hey!!! I just remembered!! I've got neices!!! Got to print the list out for my sister to give to her daughter to post on her fridge.:cool::cool::cool::cheeky1::cheeky1::cheeky1:
 

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I remember being the local wild andcrazy kid who always got "that talk" from fathers. Their were several who realy scared the bejeebers out of me and others that I knew couldn't whip a flea. They were just trying to act tough. But my momma didn't raise any fools that lived. I always treated women with respect. ;)
 

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This is a true story, the guy who told me it showed me the pics a few days later of all the items mentioned. There was a technician called in to a place where I used to work and we got along pretty well, and one day I was lamenting my issues with my 14 yr. old daughter. This is how he handled the problem with his two daughters.



Now he had worked out an agreement with his girls that any boy who wanted to date them had to go through him. If there was one who kept asking that they didn’t want to date, they could tell him first and bring them and he would say no, this saved them from being the heavy. He was a very avid hunter, he had a good sized den with wall to wall gun cabinets for shotguns, rifles and handguns, any free space was taken up with his mounted trophy’s.



Whenever a prospective date came in, he was sent to meet the guy in the den, who by chance happened to be sitting at a card table cleaning one of his guns. While continuing to clean and inspect the weapon he would discuss how he felt about his girls and how seriously he took being a father, usually only glancing up from time to time to make the point.



After making the poor kid as nervous as possible he would reach down under the table and put two sealed jars in front of the kid. One was empty, the other contained the three main external reproductive parts of a buck he had shot in formaldahyde. With the kid looking at them in horror he would look him in the eye and state, “Now, lets talk about how you’re going to treat my daughter.”


He stated many guys didn’t return for a second date, two of them actually jumped up ran out of the house, not to be seen again, NO ONE ever hurt his girls, he was looked at with fear at all school functions, and finally wound up with two son-in-laws that he thinks the world of.
 

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I have two daughters. When all the other girls were "dating", they weren't. When in highschool and the prom came around,, Nancy was working at the school and was there at the prom.

Most the time, she was the chauffer who drove them to the prom.

It's wasn't till my oldest one turned 18 that she jumped off the ledge into the wild and crazy world. Then the next four years were pure hell and pleasure for us. The pleasure was that we raised our first grandson..

Now she has settled down so life is back to normal.

The youngest has just gotten married this past Nov. at the wonderful age of 25!!

Thank God I stopped at two. :cheeky1:
 

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I knew a guy who had hos own way of making sure his daughter was not taken advatage of.

When the boy came to pick her up for the prom this guy pulled his M1911 .45 out of the holser, jerked back the slide, caught the bullet and handed it to the kid. He said "You put that in your pocket. If you get feeling frisky you pull that out, take a look at it and remember there are 8 more where it came from."
 

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I raised 2 sons and now have a newborn grand daughter to worry about.
But all this talk always reminds me of a converstaion I was having with one of my sargents when I was a LEO.
The conversation was about kids dating and I was remarking about only having to worry about my 2 sons.
He said 'Hell, you are lucky, you only have to worry about your 2 boys, Having 4 daughters, I have to worry about everyone elses boys...
 

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Thats some cheek telling us the rules for dating his daughter before even showing us a picture of her. i mean she could be one of those hounds who can safely walk down dark alleys at night and nobody would want to take out in public. :cooldevil:
 

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Hey Dylan, Does Miss Tanygaer count as a hound or ok, think carefully before answering, it could be the end of a blossoming friendship.... :D
 

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Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them!




In a way taught to me By, Wexy !



Steve-O
 

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b679995 wrote:
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them!



Is a way taught to me By, Wexy !



Steve-O
You been peering at wexy's cleavage again? Better watch that stuff.
 
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