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Last weekend I saw something that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??


WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.


I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5inches long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'


What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, ' don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jesse Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-BITCH THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I **** myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe, came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
 

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derekhendry wrote:
Serves youself right for wearing a tank top;), great story:cool:
Flipping eck,,tank tops,, whatever happened to them:cheeky1:;)
 

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PP that was awesome!! I started reading the thread thinking, "No, he wouldn't really do that...not even PP would do that!" and the kicker was the comment by Gracie right before shock time. Dude, you win the thread of the year award in my book!!
 

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My friend had an electronic shock collar for his Boxer. When he went out of town his brother and sister looked after the dog. Well they wondered how well it worked. The brother put the collar around his neck and barked. Only once because he and the boxer will never bark again. They have learned.
 

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Funny Stuff !!! :cheeky1:
 

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Bob, there is a Youtube video of some kid who put one of those on and barked.
It zapped him
He screamed
It zapped him again
He screamed again
It zapped him again...

I think the cycle went on for 5 or 6 shockings before the kid finallydidn't have enough energy leftto scream again:cheeky1::cheeky1::cheeky1:

Mike
 

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well you get what you deserve don't you
 

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I've got one of the dog shocker collars. Never had to use it, just showed it to the dog and he quit barking :doh:

According to the label, first bark is just a light tingle. 2nd bark is a tad bit harder. 3 barks and it goes full power.
 

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We used to have a remote collar for our Min Pin and her barking fits when anyone passed by the house, especially when she was in a corner of the yard that would allow her to see the street and bark to her content.
I only had to push shock a couple of times and after that we only had to push the warning button and the sound of the impending shock would get her out of that corner of the yard and back in the house ASAP.
Then we tried it with the Pomeranian who had picked up the guard in that corner and it didnt work as well because of all the hair she has. She grew out of it figuring it was better to be in the house nice and comfy on her spot on the couch or our bed.



Here is our guard dogs on a trip in the RV.

Note: There are 4 dogs in this one chair
 

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:cheeky1::cheeky1::cheeky1::cheeky1: it took me 5 mins to stop laughing to reply to this i couldnt see thru the tears
 

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My uncle had one of those remote training collars. He thought it wasn't working as it did not get the desired results from the dog.

He held one thumb on each of the probes and had a friend push the button. The shock ran up one arm, across his chest, and down the other arm at the speed of light. He jerked so hard it took them over 15 minutes to find the collar.
 

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:cheeky1::cheeky1:No offense to anyone but you just want to quote Red Foreman from that 70's show when you read this stuff...DUM..BASS:cheeky1::cheeky1::cheeky1:
 
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