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I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, tomake an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in hisoffice, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ thatappears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .
>
> Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a
> thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but
> I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking,
> quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
>
> I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription
> for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold
> a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice
> it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
>
> I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
> Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In
> accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I
> had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
> Then, in the evening, I took the moviPrep.
>
> You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you
> fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system,
> a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This
> takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind -
> like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with justa hint of lemon.
>
> The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great
> sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel
> movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off
> your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
> MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here,but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty
> much confinedto the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then,
> when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter
> of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into
> the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
>
> After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
> The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not
> only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional
> return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on
> Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers
> would not be enough.
> At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and
> totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a
> room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little
> curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital
> garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on,
> makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
>
> Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.
> Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already
> lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their
> MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but
> then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it
> to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode.
> You would have no choice but to burn your house.
>
> When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where
> Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the
> 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I
> was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side,
> and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my
> hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was
> 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
>
> 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,'
> I said. And then it was time, the moment I had beendreading for more than
> a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to
> tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
>
> I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment,ABBA was yelling
> 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,'and the next moment, I
> was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was
> looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even
> more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had
> passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
>
> ABOUT THE WRITER Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist
> for the Miami Herald. On the subject of Colonoscopies. ..
> Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite
> humorous.... . A physician claimed that the following are actual comments
> made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their
> colonoscopies:
>
> 1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going whereno man has gone before!
>
> 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
>
> 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
>
> 4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
>
> 5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
>
> 6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
>
> 7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
>
> 8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
>
> 9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
>
> 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
>
> 11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn'tyou?'
>
> 12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
>
> And the best one of all.
>
> 13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying thatmy head is not up there?'
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, tomake an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in hisoffice, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ thatappears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .
>
> Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a
> thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but
> I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking,
> quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
>
> I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription
> for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold
> a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice
> it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
>
> I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
> Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In
> accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I
> had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
> Then, in the evening, I took the moviPrep.
>
> You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you
> fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system,
> a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This
> takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind -
> like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with justa hint of lemon.
>
> The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great
> sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel
> movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off
> your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
> MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here,but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty
> much confinedto the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then,
> when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter
> of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into
> the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
>
> After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
> The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not
> only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional
> return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on
> Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers
> would not be enough.
> At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and
> totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a
> room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little
> curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital
> garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on,
> makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
>
> Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.
> Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already
> lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their
> MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but
> then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it
> to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode.
> You would have no choice but to burn your house.
>
> When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where
> Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the
> 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I
> was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side,
> and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my
> hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was
> 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
>
> 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,'
> I said. And then it was time, the moment I had beendreading for more than
> a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to
> tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
>
> I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment,ABBA was yelling
> 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,'and the next moment, I
> was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was
> looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even
> more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had
> passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
>
> ABOUT THE WRITER Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist
> for the Miami Herald. On the subject of Colonoscopies. ..
> Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite
> humorous.... . A physician claimed that the following are actual comments
> made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their
> colonoscopies:
>
> 1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going whereno man has gone before!
>
> 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
>
> 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
>
> 4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
>
> 5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
>
> 6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
>
> 7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
>
> 8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
>
> 9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
>
> 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
>
> 11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn'tyou?'
>
> 12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
>
> And the best one of all.
>
> 13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying thatmy head is not up there?'
:cheeky1::cheeky1::cheeky1:
