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I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, tomake an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in hisoffice, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ thatappears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .
>
> Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a
> thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but
> I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking,
> quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
>
> I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription
> for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold
> a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice
> it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
>
> I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
> Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In
> accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I
> had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
> Then, in the evening, I took the moviPrep.
>
> You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you
> fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system,
> a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This
> takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind -
> like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with justa hint of lemon.
>
> The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great
> sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel
> movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off
> your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

> MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here,but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty
> much confinedto the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then,
> when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter
> of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into
> the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
>
> After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
> The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not
> only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional
> return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on
> Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers
> would not be enough.

> At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and
> totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a
> room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little
> curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital
> garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on,
> makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
>
> Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.
> Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already
> lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their
> MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but
> then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it
> to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode.
> You would have no choice but to burn your house.
>
> When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where
> Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the
> 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I
> was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side,
> and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my
> hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was
> 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
>
> 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,'
> I said. And then it was time, the moment I had beendreading for more than
> a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to
> tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
>
> I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment,ABBA was yelling
> 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,'and the next moment, I
> was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was
> looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even
> more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had
> passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
>
> ABOUT THE WRITER Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist
> for the Miami Herald. On the subject of Colonoscopies. ..
> Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite
> humorous.... . A physician claimed that the following are actual comments
> made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their
> colonoscopies:
>
> 1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going whereno man has gone before!
>
> 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
>
> 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
>
> 4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
>
> 5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
>
> 6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
>
> 7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
>
> 8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
>
> 9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
>
> 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
>
> 11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn'tyou?'
>
> 12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
>
> And the best one of all.
>
> 13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying thatmy head is not up there?'
 

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:cheeky1::cheeky1::cheeky1::cheeky1::cheeky1::cool::cheeky1::cheeky1::cheeky1:

BRAVO...HE DESCRIBED IT TO A TEE !!!!!

:dude::cheeky1::cheeky1::cheeky1::cheeky1:
 

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If that wasn't so real, it would be funny.
 

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I had an appointment with Dr Sam W...... whom I had never met. It was one of those, "you need to get an exam" things. Well, the Dr's assistant was a dish if ever there was one. :shock: 5"10", 150 lbs, thick brown hair, green eyes, killer figure and a face to dream of. I was ready to sign or say anything at that point, just to keep her in the room. ;) She took my information and an appointment was made for the scope. :p

The described procedure above was the same, except the description of the liquid I had to drink was far to kind. I am just glad the results were not flammable, the whole neighborhood would have gone up! :D

Well, the day of the procedure came and again the same as above occurred, needle in the arm, lots of great drugs given and the doctor entered the room. 5' 4" at best, long golden curly hair, Dr. Sam W. Sam short for Samantha, I knew I was in for quite the experience.:dude::dude::dude: Wake up in recovery, don't remember a damm thing. Hope we had fun.:cheeky1::cheeky1::cheeky1:

Doc
 

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Excellent write up mate, as the proud owner of an Ielostomy ( explanation will follow)

I am a firm believer in laughter is the best medicine.

a long time agoI developed symptoms that can only be described as painfull, embarrassing and down right frightening. My trips to hospital were eye opening, so many instruments of so many sizes all heading west! The medication was a trial in it's self, at one point I was taking 29 pills a day!!! Then they decided that I was to benefit from 2 enema's per day:(:shock:

So I duly arrived home a packing crate full of the offending little beggars. Do you take them to the clinic daily to have them administered? asked my new wife, No way, I said you would do it. Well if there is any way of establishing the rudiments of marriage having your new wife insert an enema everymorning and evening sure aint it:shock:

We could find no written instructions so I repeated what the doc had said, insert, slowly roll the tube up, when contents are released, lie on back and have stomach gently massaged, retain contents for a minimum of twenty minutes, before going to toilet.

Now, if you have par-taken of several gallons of home brewed beer, a vindaloo curry and 3 tons of rhubarab all in one sitting, you know what the gut reaction is, now imagine having to clench those cheeks together for 20 mins, 20 seconds more like it.

I became an expert hurdler, leaping off the bed and over any obstacles in my rush to reach the bathroom. But we perservered........................... one morning we discovered two things, the last enema in the crate and the written instructions:?

Just out of curiosity, we read them, every thing the doc had said was there,except in large print right at the bottom of the page...................................

PRIOR TO USE ALWAYS STAND THE ENEMA UPRIGHT IN A JUG OF HAND WARM WATER.

OOOOOOOOOps, we lived in a farm cottage with concrete floors and no heating, do I have to explain :D

Eventually I was to become seriously ill, and the decision was taken to remove all offending bit's and bob's, leaving me with my ileostomy, which is similar to colostomy, but non-reversable. During the years sincethis was done, there have been so many funny moments but thankfully I am alive and well andmore to the point riding my wing. Hey am I the only guy with a built in airbag!:cheeky1:
 

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No truer words have been spoken. The first "push" in my IV was Demerol, man that took care of the headache I had. Then they pushed Versed, and it was all over. My wife said I kept asking the Dr. afterwards if I could have a couple of vials of that Versed to take home with me.
 
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