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Stopping the Aging Process

For my birthday this year my wife purchased a week of private sessions at
the local health club for me. Though still in great shape from when I was on
the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead
and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said
she was a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model.
My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.
They suggested I keep an "exercise diary" to chart my progress:

Day 1.
Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived
at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess,
with blonde hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and
took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed
that it was so high, but I think that just standing next to her, in THAT outfit of
hers, added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was
very encouraging as I did my sit-ups, though my gut was already aching a little
from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.

Day 2.
Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it.
Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air.
Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on
the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth while.
Muscles ALL feel GREAT.

Day 3.
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter
and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have
developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and
said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my
chest, so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate
an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me
regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.

Day 4.
Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl.
I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes.
She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be
in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me.
As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It SANK!

Day 5.
I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being
in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain
I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps.
Well I have news for you Tanya - I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents
in the floors don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for
the damage,YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame.
The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why
couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music or social studies teacher?

Day 6.
Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am.
I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of
the weather channel.

Day 7.
Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time
my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate for a root canal.
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