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WHATEVER HITS THE FAN WILL NOT BE DISTRIBUTED EVENLY.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS! Except that one where you're naked in church.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.

Heaven is Where: The Police are British, The Chefs are Italian, The Mechanics are German, The Lovers are French and It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where: The Police are German, The Chefs are British, The Mechanics are French, The Lovers are Swiss and It's all organized by the Italians.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory

The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.

I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.

I am a Nobody. Nobody is Perfect. Therefore I am Perfect.

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

Dyslexics Have More Nuf.

I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE Sometimes I even put it in the food.

Preserve the Spotted Owl (in formaldehyde)

When you work here, you can name your own salary. I named mine, "Fred".

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

I am having an out-of-money experience.

Don't sweat the petty things. Don't pet the sweaty things.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

 

[Hobo]

imported post

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile is You can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia ....
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
By the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises As your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff In my shopping cart says,
' For fast relief.'

THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.