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Kids! Too busy to sit down and write an old-fashioned letter to
Santa? Have no fear! This handy-dandy interweb doo-dad can do
the heavy lifting for you!


Dear...... [Santa Claus] [Saint Nicolas] [Father Christmas]
[Pagan Troll] [Obese Trespassing Altruist] [Satan Claus - Devourer
of Children's Souls],

This year, I have been a very...... [good] [bad] [materialistic]
[passive aggressive] [manipulative] [Ritalin-addled]
little......[boy] [girl] [TV watcher].
I have...... [not] [sometimes] [compulsively] ...... [lied] [cheated]
[embezzled] [pillaged] [murdered],
and I have...... [always] [often] [rarely] [never]
helped my...... [mommy] [daddy] [grandma]
[grandpa] [brother] [sister] [mommy's "special friend"] [other daddy]
with their...... [chores] [homework] [taxes] [pyramid schemes] [colostomy bag]. And I always say thank you, which makes me...... [nice] [polite] [seem like I care]
and so I deserve lots of...... [love] [presents] [blank checks] [age-inappropriate pants]
this year!

Please bring all this stuff for me and the people in my life For my mommy, please bring...... [perfume] [earrings] [Valium] [fruit leather panties] [the onset of menopause] [daddy's testicles in a vise].
For my daddy, please bring a new...... [neck tie] [razor] [money clip] [dead-end job] [Rogaine prescription].
For my...... [big] [little]...... [brother] [sister],
please bring......[a soccer ball] [fingernail polish] [Legos] [GI Joe] [Barbie] [methadone] [Newport Lights 100's] [a subscription to Guns & Ammo].
For my...... [doggy] [hamster][ferret],
please bring...... [a chew toy] [a cableknit sweater] [kibble] [breath mints] [a homeopathic heartworm remedy] [non-surgical sterilization].
Oh ­ and for my...... [baby sitter] [mail man] [cleaning lady] [pool boy] [case worker],
please bring some...... [fruit cake] [coupons] [worthless tchotchkes] [work ethic].

Now about me! Please bring me all of the...... [Harry Potter] [Scooby Doo] [Spider Man] [Star Wars] [Spongebob Squarepants] [Anna Nicole Smith]..[action figures] [videos] [breakfast cereal] [pajamas] [sheets] [beer coozies] [toilet paper],
and front row tickets to...... [Eminem] [Britney Spears] [Aaron Carter] [Mary-Kate and Ashley] [GWAR] [Philip Glass] ­
plus backstage passes so I can get...... [autographs] [behind the scenes] [coked up] [airborne chlamydia]!
Oh, and please don’t forget my...... [pool] [go-kart] [jet-ski] [pony][Lamborghini Diablo VT 6.0] [amputee Afghan orphan].
But if you can't, just remember that more than anything Santa, what I really
really want is just...... [$100] [$1000] [$10,000] [$100,000] [$1,000,000] [$10,000,000] [$100,000,000]!

Anyway, I hope you like the...... [cookies] [cake] [pudding] [Jell-O] [meatloaf] [cognac] [eight-ball] I left out for you.

[Love],
[Sincerely],
[Yours],
[Breathlessly],
[ insert name here ]

PS Please say...... [hi] [hello] [Merry Christmas]
to...... [Rudolph] [Mrs. Claus] [the baby Jesus] [Ralph, the heartless Elfin slavemaster].

PPS Oh yeah, and remember [insert name here]?
[He] [She] has been a really......[naughty] [selfish] [corrupt] [perverted] [homicidal]...... [dork] [weener] [cry-baby] [coprophile]
[vivisection]
hobbyist all year long and doesn't deserve any Christmas presents. So please don’t forget to put...... [coal] [sticks] [homework] [dog sh*t] [ebola] in their stocking.

Thanks!
 

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:santahat:Wow, that took a bit of reading, can I do it too.:santawaving:I'm still a kid.
 
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