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Old School Guru
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Stun gun ....... ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS.

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted by a
guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the
blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot
is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new
toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
triple-a batteries, right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit
I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser
in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two
itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such
a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad... I decided to give
myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to
my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS
[email protected][email protected]$$!%

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in
the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making
meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly
thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of
caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be
considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure,
as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little
I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses
were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My
triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt
like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for
their safe return.

Premium Member
543 Posts
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I laughed until I cried! :cheeky1::cheeky1::cheeky1::cheeky1:


Postpubescent member
36,382 Posts
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A cat would never refer to a human as "master"! Otherwise :cheeky1::cheeky1::cheeky1:

Premium Member
588 Posts
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I am sitting here trying to read this through the tears of laughter and my wife is loking at me like I have lost my mind. At least it wasn't what he was posting a reward for. I found this too funny. It reminded me of the time I borrowed a dog training collar. My son wanted me to try it on him and I told him no way. I wanted to see how far the transmitter worked without the add on antenna. It had a light that would bridge the two terminals and when the button was pushed if the collar recieved the signal the light would go on. I let him get about a block away and pushed the button. Little did he know that his fingers were bridging the terminals too. Whern I pushed the button I saw him jump about 3 feet straight up. Collar works at least a block away. Never asked me to try the collar on him after that. We laugh about it everytime we think about it.

Premium Member
1,662 Posts
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A recent article on an FBI site I get news from was about two officers who were subduing a domestic violence suspect who was threatening them with a knife after he cut his wife. They tried to shoot him with the Taser (for those who don't know, a Taser shoots two darts, connected by wires to the unit,that attach to your skin then the user shocks you into submission) but the Taser hit a butane lighter he had in his shirt pocket thereby igniting the fellow instead of shocking him.

See, it really IS bad for your health to smoke...


Premium Member
529 Posts
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Seen that one before, but still can't read through it without laughing so hard I cry.
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