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[align=center]The Fart File

The Common Fart
The Common Fart is the fart heard most often. It is a very close relative of the "Ripper",
but is released with less force. It is usually heard in groups where people aren't yet
comfortable with farting amongst each other. Therefore, one person in the group
gets up some nerve and releases this common-sounding fart in such a manner that
everyone now feels comfortable with group flatulence...
Usually there is no smell with the Common Fart.
Common Fart
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[align=center]The Anxious Fart
The Anxious Fart is let in a place where someone does not want the
fart to be heard. You may have seen men and women in book stores
or grocery stores, or even on the street, letting these farts.
They are generally controlled, usually barely audible, and require
much skill to master.
Anxious Fart
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[align=center]The Coughing Fart
The Coughing Fart is one that the farter tries to cover up with a
cough. My Dad used to let these farts all the time when he worked
at the Bingo Hall. He would stand at the back of the hall and
cough, just as a nice "common fart" was let. It can be embarrassing for the farter,
and those around the farter, if the timing is off at all,
or if the fart is longer than anticipated.
Coughing Fart
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[align=center]
The Wet Fart
The Wet Fart is one that sounds quite juicy.
Quite often this fart is cause for alarm, and an indication that a
trip to the toilet is imminent.
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[align=center]Wet Fart[/align]



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[align=center]The Blower
This fart is similar to the ripper, except it has a bit of a
hollow, windy sound to it. This is due to farter blowing all the gas out quickly.
This fart will almost always get a laugh.
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[align=center]Blower Fart[/align]



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[align=center]The Tight Bun Fart
This fart is always recognizable. It sounds like the farter's buns were so tight
that he/she was in pain while farting.
Tight Bun Fart
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[align=center]The Ripper
One of the best farts around is The Ripper. It is loud, rough, and always
raises an eyebrow or two. Characteristics of The Ripper often show up
in other farts, but make no mistake - this fart is a single,
powerful gas-bubble that comes screaming from the farter's butt.
Ripper Fart
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Guilty of all multiple times:ROFL::lash:
 

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Still a winger at heart.
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NO NO NO! jeezo PP, I thought I taught you better than that!
This is the proper list!
--

Fart Definitions

THE ANTICIPATED FART: This one warns that it is back there waiting for some
time before it arrives. A person who is uneasy for a time in a crowd and who
later farts at a time when they think no one will notice has farted an
Anticipated Fart.

THE BACK SEAT FART: This is a fart that occurs only in automobiles. It is
identified chiefly by odor. The Back Seat Fart can usually be concealed by
traffic noise as it is an eased-out fart and not very loud. But its odor is
foul, will give it away, due to the way air moves around in a car. And then
someone will say, who farted in the back seat?

THE BARN OWL FART: A familiarity with owl calls is helpful in identifying this
fart. Almost any morning if you get up just before daybreak you can hear one of
these birds talking to himself. It's a sort of a crazy laugh, particularly
the way it ends. If you hear a fart that has about eight notes in it, ending on
a couple of down notes, and it sounds maniacal, you have heard the rare Barn Owl
Fart.

THE BULLET FART: Its single and most pronounced diagnostic Characteristic is
its sound. It sounds like a rifle shot. The farter can be said to have snapped
it off. It can startle spectators and farter alike. Fairly common following the
eating of the more common fart foods, such as beans.

THE COMMAND FART: This fart differs from the Anticipated Fart in that it can be
held for long periods of time waiting for the right moment. Unlike the
Anticipated Fart, it is intended to be noticed. Harold Tabor recently held a
Command Fart for the whole period in history class and let it go right at the
end when the teacher asked if there were any questions.

THE COMMON FART: This fart needs little description. It is to the world of
farts what the house sparrow is to the world of birds. I can see no point in
describing this far any further.

THE CUSHIONED FART: A concealed fart, sometimes successful. The farter is
usually on the fat side, sometimes a girl. They will squirm and push their butt
way down into the cushions of a sofa or over-stuffed chair and ease-out a fart
very carefully without moving then or for some time after. Some odor may escape,
but usually not much. Common with some people.

THE DUD FART: The Dud Fart is not really a fart at all. It's a fart that
fails. For this reason it is strictly a group one identification fart, because
there is no real way you can identify a fart that somebody else expected to fart
but didn't. It is the most private of all farts. In most cases the farter
usually feels a little disappointed. More of a slow puncture than a fart...

THE ECHO FART: This is a fart that can be wrongly identified. It is not some
great loud fart in an empty gym or on the rim of the Grand Canyon. The true Echo
Fart is a fart that makes its own echo. It is a two-toned fart, the first tone
loud, then a pause, and then the second tone. Like an echo.

THE G AND L FART: This is one of the most ordinary and pedestrian of farts,
known to everyone. Certainly it is the least gross. If you have not already
guessed, G and L stands for Gambled and Lost. One of the most embarrassing of
all farts, even when you are alone. - A slight hint for you.. Farts don't
have lumps... but this one does.. Do one of these and it's a change of
underwear, and sometimes even a bath may be in order.

THE GHOST FART: A doubtful fart in most cases, as it is supposed to be
identified by odor alone and to occur, for instance, in an empty house. You
enter and smell a fart, yet no one is there. People will insist that only a fart
could have that odor, but some believe it is just something that happens to
smell like a fart.

THE HIC-HACHOO-FART FART: This is strictly an old lady's fart. What happens
is that the person manages to hiccough, sneeze, and fart all at the same time.
After an old lady farts a Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart she will usually pat her chest
and say, "My, my", or "Well, well". There is no reason she
should not be proud, as this is probably as neat an old person's fart as
there is.

THE JERK FART: The Jerk Fart is a fart by a jerk who smirks, smiles, grins, and
points to himself in case you missed it. It is usually a single-noted, off-key,
fading away, sort of whistle fart, altogether pitiful, but the jerk will act as
if he has just farted the Biggest Fart in the World Fart.

THE JOHN FART: The John Fart is simply any ordinary fart farted on the john. It
is naturally a group one identification, with the sound, whatever it was,
somewhat muffled. If it is all the person's trip to the john amounted to he
will be disappointed for sure. Common as pigeons.

THE LEAD FART: The heaviest of all farts. It sounds like a dropped ripe
watermelon. Or a falling body in some cases. It is the only fart that goes thud.
Except for the odor, which is also very heavy, it could be missed altogether as
a fart. What was that, you might think? And never guess.

THE MALTED MILK BALL FART: Odor alone is diagnostic and positively identifies
this fart. It smells exactly like malted milk balls. No other food works this
way. It is rare.

THE OH MY GOD FART: This is the most awful and dreadful stinking of all farts a
fart that smells like a month-old rotten egg - as the Oh My God Fart. If you
should ever encounter it, however, you may first want to say, oh ****, which
would be understandable.

THE OMEN FART: This is the adult version of the Poo-Poo Fart. About the only
difference is that the farter will not say anything. He will just look kind of
funny and head for the john. This one is easy to spot if you pay attention.

THE ORGANIC FART: Sometimes called the Health Food Nut Fart. The person who
farts an Organic Fart may be talking about the healthy food he eats even when he
farts. If he is heavily into health foods he may even ask if you noticed how
good and pure and healthy his fart smells. It may smell to you like any other
fart, but there is no harm in agreeing with him. He is doing what he thinks is
best.

THE QUIVER FART: A group one identification fart only. When you fart, it
quivers. If it tickles, then it is the Tickle Fart. If you have to scratch it,
then it is the Scratchass Fart.

THE RAMBLING PHADUKA FART: You must not be fooled by its pretty-sounding name,
as this is one of the most frightening of all farts. It is frightening to farter
and spectator alike. It has a sound of pain to it. What is most diagnostic about
it, however, is its length. It is the longest-lasting fart there is. It will
sometimes leave the farter unable to speak. As though he has had the wind
knocked out of him. A strong, loud, wavering fart, it goes on for at least
fifteen seconds.

THE RELIEF FART: Sound or odour don't matter on this one. What matters is
the tremendous sense of relief that you have finally farted. Some people will
even say, "Wow, what a relief". Very common.

THE RELUCTANT FART: This is probably one of the oldest farts known to man. The
Reluctant Fart is a fart that seems to have a mind of its own. It gives the
impression that it likes staying where it is. It will come when it is ready, not
before. This can take half-a-day in some instances.

THE RUSTY GATE FART: The sound of this fart seems almost impossible for a fart.
Is the most dry and squeaky sound a fart can make. The Rusty Gate Fart sounds as
if it would have worked a lot easier if it had been oiled. It sounds like a fart
that hurts.

THE S.B.D. FART: S.B.D. stands for Silent But Deadly. This is no doubt one of
the most common farts that exists. No problem of identification with this one.
You never hear it, but it smacks you in the nose with its odor.

THE SANDPAPER FART: This one scratches. Otherwise it may not amount to much.
You should remember that if you reach back and scratch, it automatically becomes
a Scratchass Fart. Common.

THE SKILLSAW FART: A truly awesome fart. It vibrates the farter. Really shakes
him up. People back away. It sounds like an electric skillsaw ripping through a
piece of half-inch plywood. Very impressive. Not too common.

THE SONIC BOOM FART: The people who believe in this fart claim it is even
bigger than the Biggest Fart In The World Fart. The Sonic Boom Fart is supposed
to shake the house and rattle the windows. This is ridiculous. No fart in the
world shakes houses and rattles windows. A fart that could do that would put the
farter into orbit or blow his crazy head off.

THE SPLATTER FART: Unfortunately the Splatter Fart exists. It is the wettest of
all farts. It probably should not be called a fart at all. Often a change of
underwear is in order.

THE STUTTER FART: If you think stuttering is funny, this is a very
funny fart. It is a fart that can't seem to get going. The sound is
best described as pt,pt,pt-pt,pt-pt-pt,pop,pop-pop-pop-POW! It is
usually a forced-out fart that gets caught crossways, as they say, and
only gets farted after considerable effort.

THE TACO BELL FART: The Taco Bell Fart is far richer and full-bodied than your
ordinary Junk Fart and takes longer to build up. Sometimes hours or even a day.
But it will get there. And it will hang around after, too, even on a windy day.

THE TEFLON FART: Slips out without a sound and no strain at all. A very good
fart in situations where you would rather not fart at all. You can be talking to
someone and not miss saying a word. If the wind is right he will never know.

THE THANK GOD I'M ALONE FART: Everyone knows this rotten fart. You look
around after you have farted and say Thank God I'm alone. Then you get out
of there.

THE TICKLE FART: A group one only and one of the easiest to identify. Usually a
slow soft sort of fart. If you like being tickled this is the fart for you!

THE MACHINE GUN FART: A aptly named fart, as it sounds just like a round from a
machine gun being let off.
 
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