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The "Middle Wife" by an anonymous 2nd grade teacher...

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I
have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know
is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a
few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always
have a few sessions with my students. It helps them
get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty
tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes,
pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I
never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on
them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk
about it they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright,
very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to
the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke,
my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his

"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their
love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and
Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an
umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow,
and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my
camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying
and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind
her back and groans. "She walked around the
house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid
is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.) "My Dad
called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she
doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man.
They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." (Then
Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept
in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up
and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" (This
kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming
water flowing away. It was too much!)

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and
'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never
even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my
brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all
said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a
lot of toys inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and
returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the
loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day,
I bring my camcorder, just in case another "Middle
Wife" comes along.
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