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All hair removal methods have tricked women with their
promises of easy, painless removal - The EpiLady, scissors, razors, Nair
And now... the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come
home, fix dinner, and play with the kids. I then had the thought that
would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I
should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed
to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump
of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get
warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever
else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss How hard can
it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough
to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips
facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my
genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000
degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!)

I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around
it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it
wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am
She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin
extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on
the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair
fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the
toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the
right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo*
and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (yes, it was a long
strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY
GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull
off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!!
Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay
conscious...Do I hear crashing drums???

Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one
that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I
want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold
up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE
WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the
toilet. I see the hair, the hair that should be on the strip. I touch.
I am touching wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part
of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is
still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I
put my foot down. DANG!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door.
*Hoo-Hoo*?? sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out
what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to
poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!!
Hot water melts wax!!!

I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the
bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt
and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than
that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment
- I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions
glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the
bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't
melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I
had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago
to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking
surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me
undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and
who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret
tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She
wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks
or who-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give
her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the
box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions , I resort to
scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have
your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub
in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a
major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress
counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see
my saving grace.... the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY
GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens
out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. IT
WORKS!! It works!! I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and
she hangs up

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then
notice to my grief and despair.... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL
OF IT!!!!!!!!!!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now.
Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color...... Now that's
funny . Notttttttttt
 
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