Steve Saunders Goldwing Forums banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 14 of 14 Posts

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,169 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
imported post

Here is a secret translation of the contents of aWorkshop Manual.

Rotate anticlockwise.
Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

This is a snug fit.
Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

This is a tight fit.
Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

As described in Chapter 7...
That'll teach you not to read through before you start. Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Pry...
Hammer a screwdriver into...

Undo...
Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size).

Retain tiny spring...
PINGGGG - ? Where the hell did that go??

Press and rotate to remove bulb...
OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two).

Lightly...
Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Weekly checks...
If it isn't broken don't fix it.

Routine maintenance...
If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned.

One spanner rating.
An infant could do this... so how did you manage to f*** it up?

Two spanner rating.
Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Three spanner rating.
Make sure you won't need your bike for a couple of days.

Four spanner rating.
You're not seriously considering this are you?

Five spanner rating.
OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones in it again.

If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Compress...
Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer...

Inspect...
Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice ?Yes, just as I thought; it's going to need a new one?

Carefully...
You are about to suffer deep abrasions.

Retaining nut...
Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Get an assistant...
Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Yeah, right. But you swear in different places.

Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Snap off...

Using a suitable drift...
Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Everyday toolkit
RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Apply moderate heat...
Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Alternatively, clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Index
List of all things in the book, not including the bit you need.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
4,566 Posts
imported post

Is this why it took so long to fix the 1500 :baffled::cheeky1::cheeky1::cheeky1:
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,190 Posts
imported post

I learned these while workingin an expensive car dealers service dept;

Special tools = big hammer and two big screwdrivers (Phillips and flat).
Pry bars = the big screwdrivers.
Openheart surgery = splitting an engine or gearbox.
Basic Service = wipe everything with a cloth and charge lots of money.
Special Service = wipe everything with a cloth and chargeeven moremoney.
Fault not found = couldn't be bothered to check or just couldn't find the problem, but will still charge lots of money.

Telling the customer to come back in ten minutes = you really don't want him or her to see what you are going to do to their car with the special tools. :waving:
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
714 Posts
imported post

That was funny!

Years ago in the 60's I had a BSA I took it to the shop to get it worked on I knew the owner and wanted to watch he said no way customers aren't allowed in the shop He said the job he had to do would require a DBH tool it was a long long time before I learned it meant a Damn Big Hammer and no one wants to see their beautiful machine beat on with a Hammer.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
619 Posts
imported post

To change the headlight bulb in my Dodge Ram you disconnect the battery ground cable. then OPEN the hood:cheeky1::cheeky1::cheeky1::cheeky1::cheeky1:
 

·
Premium Member
1993 gl1500, 1976 gl1000
Joined
·
3,787 Posts
imported post

What's a molegrip???
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
4,566 Posts
imported post

dingdong wrote:
What's a molegrip???
:baffled:dunno :baffled:

Is it something to do with holding the little critters down whilst you work? :baffled::cooldevil:
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
155 Posts
imported post

A molegrip, is what I call a wise/ wisegrip. Steady hold, and quite hard to get off again :)
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,169 Posts
Discussion Starter #10
imported post

wannabe wrote:
dingdong wrote:
What's a molegrip???
:baffled:dunno :baffled:

Is it something to do with holding the little critters down whilst you work? :baffled::cooldevil:
I teach :whip:, I teach :whip:, and I teach :whip:........ but what's a man to do.....:baffled:
She is a BLONDE, after all.....:doh::doh:
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
10,253 Posts
imported post

Wise grips???? Commonly called Vise Grips on this side of the pond....Andno Steve I didn't realize until now what I was paying for at my high dollar Jeep dealer.....Now I will watch, with my attorney while they wipe it clean and charge me the big bucks....:cheeky1:..Just kidding Steve....

Claude....
 

·
Probationary
Joined
·
4,535 Posts
imported post

THATS FUNNY !!! :cheeky1:
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
62,959 Posts
imported post

I always thought it was, When all else fails, then, read the manual......
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,169 Posts
Discussion Starter #14
imported post

Foodman wrote:
I always thought it was, When all else fails, then, read the manual......
Favourite saying around here..............

R.T.F.M....:cooldevil::cooldevil:
 
1 - 14 of 14 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top