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I hope this will bring a smile your way!


This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville

Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas

dinners. It won first prize. As a joke, my brother Jay used

to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before

Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill

them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice

must be true because every Christmas morning, although

Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose

hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his dream come

true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an

inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at

Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.If

you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go,

you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying

things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're

kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I

made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a

standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a

passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane

during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult.

'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top

of the line, according to the side of the box, could do

things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I

settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom

of the price scale. To call Louise a 'doll' took a

huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve and with the

help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My

sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the

wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I

filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs

and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained

of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and

giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother

called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a

present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog

confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come

back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should

remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could

admire her when they came over for the traditional

Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment

she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she

asked. My brother quickly explained, 'It's a

doll.' 'Who would play with something like

that?' Granny snapped. I kept my mouth shut. 'Where

are her clothes?' Granny continued. 'Boy, that

turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her

into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. 'Why

doesn't she have any teeth?' Again, I could have

answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one

wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying,

'Hang on Granny, hang on!' My grandfather, a

delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and

said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal by the

fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend. A few

minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to

Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was

then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last

Christmas at home. The dinner went well. We made the usual

small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should

be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father

in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the

mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in

front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry

sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell

to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth

resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet

his pants.Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the

room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to

treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we

conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of

Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had

suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we

restored her to perfect health. I can't wait until next



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:ROFL: I keep telling my wife we need to get one for the back of the bike when she's not riding with me.
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