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I hope this will bring a smile your way!
Cheers!
This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville
Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas
dinners. It won first prize. As a joke, my brother Jay used
to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before
Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill
them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice
must be true because every Christmas morning, although
Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose
hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his dream come
true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an
inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at
Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.If
you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go,
you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying
things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're
kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I
made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a
standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a
passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane
during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult.
'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top
of the line, according to the side of the box, could do
things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I
settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom
of the price scale. To call Louise a 'doll' took a
huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve and with the
help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My
sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the
wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I
filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs
and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained
of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and
giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother
called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a
present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog
confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come
back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should
remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could
admire her when they came over for the traditional
Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment
she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she
asked. My brother quickly explained, 'It's a
doll.' 'Who would play with something like
that?' Granny snapped. I kept my mouth shut. 'Where
are her clothes?' Granny continued. 'Boy, that
turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her
into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. 'Why
doesn't she have any teeth?' Again, I could have
answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one
wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying,
'Hang on Granny, hang on!' My grandfather, a
delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and
said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal by the
fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend. A few
minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to
Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was
then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last
Christmas at home. The dinner went well. We made the usual
small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should
be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father
in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the
mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in
front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry
sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell
to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet
his pants.Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the
room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to
treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we
conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of
Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had
suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we
restored her to perfect health. I can't wait until next
Christmas.
I hope this will bring a smile your way!
Cheers!
This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville
Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas
dinners. It won first prize. As a joke, my brother Jay used
to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before
Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill
them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice
must be true because every Christmas morning, although
Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose
hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his dream come
true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an
inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at
Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.If
you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go,
you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying
things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're
kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I
made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a
standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a
passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane
during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult.
'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top
of the line, according to the side of the box, could do
things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I
settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom
of the price scale. To call Louise a 'doll' took a
huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve and with the
help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My
sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the
wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I
filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs
and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained
of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and
giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother
called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a
present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog
confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come
back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should
remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could
admire her when they came over for the traditional
Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment
she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she
asked. My brother quickly explained, 'It's a
doll.' 'Who would play with something like
that?' Granny snapped. I kept my mouth shut. 'Where
are her clothes?' Granny continued. 'Boy, that
turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her
into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. 'Why
doesn't she have any teeth?' Again, I could have
answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one
wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying,
'Hang on Granny, hang on!' My grandfather, a
delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and
said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal by the
fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend. A few
minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to
Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was
then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last
Christmas at home. The dinner went well. We made the usual
small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should
be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father
in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the
mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in
front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry
sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell
to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet
his pants.Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the
room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to
treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we
conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of
Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had
suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we
restored her to perfect health. I can't wait until next
Christmas.
:leprechaun:
